The Secret
by SavvyRavenclaw20
Summary: Hyde recounts his life after he meets Gackt and how he has grown as a man and a lover.
1. Chapter 1: Starting a New Life

**Author**: Savvy  
**Title:** The Secret  
**Characters**: Hyde/ Gackt (Not Shou and Kei)  
**Summary:** Hyde recounts his life after he meets Gackt and how he has grown as a man and a lover.  
**Warning**: Yaoi, adult language, angst, fingering, oral sex, anal sex.  
**Notes:** Edited for mistakes on Feb 8, 2007  
Edit: October 9, 2007- I changed some stuff. Took out some information that I thought was voiced too soon.

**Starting a New Life**

Secrets are my life. When I'm not keeping secrets for other people I'm hiding my own, which happens to be the biggest secret that I've ever kept since I was a little boy and guilty of breaking my mother's old china. I had long since confessed that indiscretion before I left home and my mother told me she had known all along. She said she saw the way my light brown eyes dimmed to a deeper shade of mahogany every time the china was mentioned in light conversation. She had forgiven me for that incident and I'd since moved on with my life, free of all guilt.

The secret I kept now is my own; not even my family or my close friends know of its brew deep in my soul where I have long since hidden it from the world. The secret, or as I like to call it, my heart, has been a part of me since my freshman year of college when I first stepped out of the bonds of the Takarai estate and my loved ones in Osaka and took the Tokaido/Sanyo Shinkansen to Tokyo where I began pursuing my love for the art of music.

My leave was very emotional and I can still remember my mother, trembling from head to toe, her face drenched in tears, pulling me into her loving embrace and squeezing me tight in her arms. "Take care of yourself. Haido," she whispered into my ear, kissing me tenderly on the cheek. "I will mother," I said reassuringly. She pulled away and smiled down at me; her usually meticulously combed and crafted caramel-shaded locks with just a hint of white falling in front of her face, obscuring her tiny, green eyes from view. "Make us proud," she sighed pulling away from me.

I smiled and nodded. Then I turned to my father who stood near the car, his arms crossed over his chest in silent defiance. He didn't want me to leave to pursue my dream I knew. I had heard his rant many times.

"Music," he had spat at home as I carried my bags to the car. "Music is a waste of time. You should be learning about the family business." I could hear the disappointment in his voice and I could see the hatred in his gray eyes. I remained silent as I went back and forth from the house to the car past the man that glared at me from behind a cloud of cigar smoke. "You're a disgrace to this family," I heard him whisper as I made my last trip. I paused at these words and bent my head in sadness. I heard him huff as he passed me and walked to the car. I sat in silence in the back seat all the way to the station.

I didn't expect him to send me off with a loving farewell. No, my father wouldn't give in that easily. He would rather hate me then see me doing something I loved rather than going into the oil business he called "only right." He remained at the car, a cigar dangling loosely between his lips. He raised one hand to the thing and removed it from his mouth as I watched on; the puff of smoke blowing away in a faint breeze. I nodded my head in farewell, but was saddened when he turned away and stepped back into the car.

"He'll see reason before long," my mother sighed, her eyes following my gaze as she stepped to my side. "Find a nice girl while you're there won't you? We're getting older now Haido. I want grandchildren."

"I'll try mother," I said averting my eyes from the car to my mother. "She'll be as beautiful as you are."

She smiled at the flattery and pecked me on the cheek. "Go along now before the train leaves without you."

I picked up my baggage, repositioning my guitar over my shoulder and kissing my mother one last time on the cheek, stepped onto the train. The scent of honey met my senses as I made my way to my window seat toward the back of the compartment. I looked for seat 24A and when I found it I placed my bag over head on the shelf and looked out the window. I saw my mother searching the many windows for me. I pressed my hand to the glass to get her attention and when she saw me she waved.

"I love you," she mouthed as the whistle blew and the train began to move. Tears glistened in her almond-shaped eyes. She didn't move to wipe them away.

"I love you too," I whispered as the train picked up speed. She waved to me but her movement was hidden by a haze of smoke.

xxxxx

I turned in my seat and gingerly wiped the tears from my eyes. So this was it. I was really going to college; defying my father and leaving all that I knew behind. The relief that coursed through my thin frame brought a grin to my lips. There was no going back now. I was a free man. Ha, the thought scared me beyond belief.

To pass the time I wrote music on a few sheets of lined staff paper. My mother had asked me on several occasions how I managed to write without hearing the notes first. I had shrugged then and I still didn't know how now. It was like I could hear the notes before I wrote them. "Like Mozart," my friends at school had joked when I tried to explain it to them. Yes, it was like Mozart. I had the entire song in my head. I simply needed to write it down.

The tip of the ball point pen in my hands moved sinuously over the parchment. It was effortless and with no mistakes. I didn't think about what I was writing until it was down on paper. I would then read over it all and the song would play in my head as if I were an eager listener to a live performance that only I could hear. My eyes darted back and forth in rhythm with the melody and harmonies of the song before me. It played inside me, its pulse just as strong as the one my heart made, even more so.

The song I wrote now was for my mother, as a gift for her birthday. I'd hoped to finish it before I left, but outside circumstances took precedent and I hadn't had the time. I would send it by express mail as soon as I got to the campus. Her birthday was coming soon and I wished to get it to her before.

We stopped at two stations in Kyoto and Nygoya while I sat and wrote. People got on and people got off. I saw a boy climb into the seat opposite me but I paid little attention. The trained rattled on, it's wheels squeaking against the tracks as we sped through the country side. Once I finished my song, I tucked the sheet music inside my bag and leaned my head against the warm window and took to looking at those around me. There was a couple in the two seats before me. The girl's head lay on her boyfriend's shoulder and his lay atop her. Whether they were asleep or not I couldn't see, but their breaths were steady in their chest, so I assumed they were.

In the seat across the tiny aisle sat a young man about my age. He wore a black turtle neck sweater and dark denim jeans. A medallion of a snake hung on a silver necklace around his neck. He was awake and strumming lightly on his guitar, the sound it made barely audible above the rumble of the train beneath us. His eyes were closed in concentration, his head bent down to his chest as his fingers moved back and forth over the strings of the instrument. He would pause every moment or so and shake his head then play some more, smiling when he was satisfied by his creation.

I was curious to hear what he played so I scooted over into the empty seat at my side and placed my feet in the aisle and listened hard, my ears straining to hear the vibrations.

The rhythm of the song was sweet and melodic, the notes lows and languorous. Each chord was strong and different from the one before giving it a detached feel, though arranged like so, they sounded beautiful together; too beautiful for someone so young to make. His gift was very rare. I closed my eyes and simply let the notes take over me.

"Do you like it?"

I jumped out of my reverie and peered into his gray eyes which were now focused on me. I nodded and grimaced shyly, my face blushing under my tanned skin. He cocked an eyebrow and grinned as he continued to play. I noticed that his tempo changed ever so slightly, as too impress, unlike before where he played merely for pleasure.

I leaned my head on the back of the seat and smiled. He played with effortless skill and practice. It didn't take long to realize that his craft was far more experienced than my own. I glowed with silent envy as the song drew to a close.

"You're amazing," I said more bluntly than I would have in any other circumstance.

"Thank you," he said, his tenor voice hypnotizing and just as soothing as his art. "My name's Gackt Camui," he said holding out his hand to me.

"Hyde Takarai," I answered taking his hand and shaking it. He had a firm grip and his hands were soft to the touch. That too shocked me for all other guitar players had slightly roughs digits due to the rigidity of the guitar strings.

I pulled away first and rested my hands in my lap. "How long having you been playing?" I asked.

"Three years," he answered as he scooted to the empty seat closer to the aisle. Our legs brushed for a moment as he got comfortable, resting his head on the back of the seat.

"You have a guitar I see," he added looking at the shelf over my head. "How long have you played?"

"Since I was ten," I added, my chest swelling with pride as I thought of all the time I had spent practicing over the years. "But I'm not as good as you." He smirked and crossed his legs, his foot brushing my leg again ever so slightly.

"We'll have to find out one day," he smiled. Our eyes met for a second and I grinned.

The engineer's voice came over the intercom then, telling us that we were five minutes from the next station. That was my stop…I think?

"You getting off?" he asked as I pulled my schedule out of my back pocket and looked at the map. "Yes, I think so," I grimaced. "I better get ready."

"You need help? With your stuff I mean."

"Um, no, I should be all right."

I hastily pulled down my things from the luggage rack as the train pulled into the station in Tokyo. The whistle sounded signaling that it was safe to get off board. I slung my guitar over my shoulder and grabbing the two leather bags from the seat, stood to leave the train. To my shock Gackt stood as well, his guitar slung over his shoulder. He was without bags.

"You're getting off too?" I smiled as he gestured for me to go first.

"Yes, I'm returning for my sophomore term at Tokyo College of Music."

"Oh," I said as I hopped down from the train onto the asphalt, my baggage weighing me down. It was dark out and I could barely see anything outside of the station's bright fluorescent lights. I shifted my grip on the bags and turned to face him. "I'm starting my freshman year there," I said grinning from ear to ear as I peered up at him. He was only a foot taller than me but I felt considerably dwarfed under his gaze.

"I'll show you around then," he grimaced, his eyes traveling from my face to my bags. He didn't speak as he moved to my side and took both the bags from my grasp.

"You don't have to," I stammered but he cut me off.

"I want to," he smiled. I sighed and gave up.

I allowed him to lead me through the station because honestly I didn't know where I was going. He whistled for a cab and together we climbed into the back seat of the red taxi.

"To T.C.M." He said to the balding driver. The old man nodded and we were off; the neon lights of Tokyo lighting the inside of the tiny cab.

"Where are you from?" Gackt asked at my side. He shifted closer to my side, sliding an arm around my back on the seat's top.

"Osaka," I answered glancing at him shyly before looking out the window again. I had never been in a place like this before. I was brought up in a small farming village on the outskirts of Osaka. There had been no 'night life' there. When the sun set the villagers stayed inside. Nights had been quiet there, too quiet sometimes. The sight outside of the tiny window was anything but. Flashing neon signs advertised for the most random things: Moon shoes, toothpaste and even "slide and go condoms." I blushed at the extremely graphic sign of a girl bending over with a guy close behind her. I had never been exposed to anything like that before. It was really eye opening.

I felt Gackt shift at my side and when I turned to face him he smirked at me.

"Fascinating, isn't it?" he asked. I could see the lights flash in his eyes and I smiled turning back to the window.

"You're very shy," he said bluntly bringing my attention back to him.

"Why do you say that?" I asked forgetting the fuss going on outside the car and looking directly at him.

"You just are. You're very reserved, hesitant actually."

"Well, you don't know me well enough to make judgments," I grinned. "You could turn out to be very wrong."

"I hope I am, in this respect."

I cocked a brow in confusion and he laughed. Why he laughed I didn't know. I shifted away from him and looked back out the window. This made him laugh more for some reason.

I had a lot to learn about Gackt Camui.

We arrived at the campus and with his help we went to the student commons so that I could get a printed copy of the classes I had already registered for and my dorm room number. The large room was packed with late night arrivals and I was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of attention Gackt brought in our direction. I stood in his shadow as several girls sauntered our way. It was obvious they thought he was attractive. One girl, wearing a black and white plaid skirt and white button up shirt wrapped her arms over his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek. She then proceeded to whisper in his ear. He smiled graciously and whispered something back. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as the other girls eyed me. Their predatory eyes took in my short blonde hair, fair skin, simple white shirt and jeans and the guitar on my back. They turned up their noses in what seemed to be disinterest. I winced and looked at Gackt's back, tapping my foot impatiently.

"I'll catch up with you later," I said as I made my way to the register's desk. He waved over his shoulder, not turning as I left. I rolled my eyes and crossed to the desk.

"Name?" the boy said. He was dressed in school memorabilia, a red cap on his head.

"Takarai, Hyde" I said shifting my guitar uncomfortably on my shoulders. He searched through a box of files and pulled out a manila folder and handed it to me.

"That's your schedule, student activity sheet, dorm information and key. If you have any questions feel free to call the number on the tab."

I nodded and left the table. I wasn't at all surprised to see that Gackt was gone, my bags left where he had been moments before. I crossed over to them as I looked through the files for my dorm number and found it behind a neon pink "Whipped Cream Bikini" flyer. I was in Zinan Hall and from the map I saw that it was on the other side of the campus. "Just great," I hissed as I heaved my bags into my hands and left the commons.

Fifteen tiring minutes later I stood outside my room, having climbed two flights of stairs because the elevator had been out of order. Several people called quick thoughtless hellos as they passed and I waved in return. I grabbed the key from the manila folder and thrust it in the lock and turned. With a few bumps with my shoulder against the door it opened and I stepped inside, flicking on the light as I went.

The room was small and furnished simply with two beds, two dressers and two desks. It was nothing like the high ceiled, large room I was accustomed to at home, but I was sure I could make it work. I hadn't brought much with me so closet space wasn't a problem. I placed both bags and my guitar on the bed closest to the window and began to unpack. It was then, while I was placing my clothing in the closet, that my roommate came into the room. He was short and round and his hair was bobbed around his ears. To be honest, he looked like a mushroom.

"Hello," I'm Chikato Hasu," he said holding out his hands as he stepped through the door. I crossed and shook his hand and noticed that his shake was limp. Not a good sign. My father's words came back to me. "A firm grip is a sign of a strong, confident man. A weak grip is a sign of frailty and stupidity." Well, he sure didn't look frail, more portly and I hoped he wasn't stupid. I unconsciously compared his grip to Gackt's. His had been firm and self-assured. Nothing like my roommate. I didn't quite know when I started taking notice of how people smelled but he smelled of old soud all-spice. I turned up my nose and turned back to my dresser. He took the bed near the door and began to unpack.

"How do you like it so far?" he asked quite louder than was necessary.

"It's a big campus," I said nonchalantly, my mind wondering around for what I should do next.

"I've been looking all over for eligible universities all over Japan. My family comes from a long line of wealthy aristocrats, so any college was fair play for me," he laughed smugly and continued. "I chose T.C.M because of their good reputation for turning out respectable musicians. I, myself, play the cello. My father tells me that that's the most difficult instrument to play and generations as far back as the fourteenth century Hasu's have played the cello with ease. A real accomplishment really…."

I nodded as he continued to speak, but I wasn't really listening. I couldn't bear to hear more of his naïve rant. He continued on as background noise as I gathered my mother's sheet music and the brown envelope I brought along with me and made for the door.

"I'll be back," I said as I stepped from the room. I didn't wait for a response.

I had seen a mail box when I arrived so I descended down the two flights of stairs and crossed to it, dropping the brown envelope inside. Hopefully the music would get to my mother before her birthday. I prayed for a speedy delivery.

I was at the top of the first flight of stairs when four girls barged down in front of me.

"Excuse me," I said standing aside letting them pass. They didn't seem aware of my presence as they continued on in light conversation.

"Guess who I saw tonight?" one asked.

"Who, Ai," another asked.

"Guess?" I continued to climb the stairs to my room.

"Yoshiro?"

"Nope. He was way cuter."

"Gackt Camui," one screeched. The girl nodded.

I missed stepped and almost fell on my face at the mention of his name. The girls, one floor down, looked up at me and sniggered before continuing on.

"He hasn't changed one bit. If anything he's hotter than he was last year." On that note they left the hall leaving me sprawled on my butt on the floor.

I pulled myself up on the railing, wiping the green carpet fuzz from my pants and continuing quite sheepishly up the stairs. So he was something of a God to the girls in this school. I could see why. He was charming to some extent and he did walk around with an air of confidence that I had only seen my father manage to pull off without looking like a complete fool. God, I was comparing him to my father! But that was who he reminded me of, though I wanted to deny it. He demanded attention when he walked into a room. Just an hour ago girls had swooned at his feet as soon as he walked into the room. It was like they could smell his pheromones. He did smell nice. His scent still lingered on my shirt.

As I entered my room I was happy to have Gackt's scent capturing my senses because the room now smelled of old-spice and cigarette smoke. My roommate lay on his bed, eyes closed, mp3 player ear piece in his ears. He patted the bed in rhythm with the song that now pounded in his ears. Smoke rings blew from his fat lips in tiny puffs obscuring his face in foggy haze.

Happy that I picked the bed by the window, I crossed to the frame and thrust it open, letting in the fresh air. It felt good as it blew against my fair skin. I rested my head against the window sill and sighed resoundingly to myself.

I wondered where he was now. He hadn't seemed at all concerned about my well-being when he left without me. But why should he? It wasn't like he was my father. I could handle myself. I should forget about him, but for some odd reason, I couldn't. He was the only person I knew beside my roommate; and I rather not know him if I could help it. People like him I shunned away from if it were possible.

To pass the time I looked down at the courtyard, it grounds covered in plush cherry blossom trees. A few stranglers walked toward the building, their luggage in tow. I saw a couple kissing near the entrance, their arms wrapped around the other in a lustful embrace.

But, what did I know about lust? I, who had never kissed anyone other than my mother on the cheek, and who had never been near a girl long enough to fathom touching her in that way, couldn't begin to comprehend what the couple below were feeling for each other. But, oh how I yearned to know what it felt like to be in someone's arms like that. Like any teenage boy, I fantasized about these things, but I had never thought of doing any of things my virgin mind hopelessly created in my minds eye. I was too timid.

'You're reserved, hesitant really.' Gackt's words came back to me as vividly as if he sat before me now. I closed my eyes against the gust of wind an inhaled the smell of the cherry blossom. I had denied his words at the time, but I knew they were true. I was afraid to let people in. I had been that way ever since I was five and my uncle, calling it a fun game, took hide and seek too far.

_I didn't want to think of that. It hurt too much. S_ince that time I shunned those who tried to be close with me. It wasn't that I was afraid that they would hurt me like he had. I knew better than to think that. It was just that I preferred to be alone. It was only times like this, as I looked at the couple below the window, that I yearned for the embrace of someone that loved me. Would I ever find that source of solace? I hoped I would one day. But until that day I would consume my life with music. That was my orgasmic release.

I could hear the snores of my sleeping roommate behind me and now that the smell of cigarette smoke was gone I could close the window and go to sleep as well. I reached for the latch to hook the window to the sill and it was then that I saw him. Gackt walked, head bent toward the ground, hands in pockets, his guitar slung over his back, to my building. My heart jumped into my throat and butterflies fluttered madly inside my stomach. I watched him until he walked out of sight, the light produced and extinguished by the doors opening and closing telling me he was inside the building.

I snapped the window closed and as quietly as I could, left the room, closing the door behind me. I crossed to the banister and peered down and there he was in the lounge standing in front of the vending machine, his hands fumbling in his pockets for change.

I don't know what overcame me, but I dug in my pockets and pulling out a handful of yen, took the steps two at a time to the first floor. He heard my hasty steps and turned to watch my descent.

"Ah, Haido," he smirked cocking his head to the side. "We meet again."

I smirked and held out the change. "Here."

He looked at the change curiously before looking at my face and walking toward me. He took my hand in his own and balled my fingers into a fist. He pressed my hand against my chest and grinned. "Keep it." he said, his voice barely more than a growl. "I'm suddenly not hungry anymore."

He didn't wait for me to respond but sidestepped me and climbed the stairs, leaving me feeling quite lost. I turned and followed his ascent with my eyes. When he made it to the second landing he peered down at me.

"You coming?" he asked smiling.

I nodded and followed.

* * *

Author Note: So, did you like the story so far? I hope so. Please leave a review. 


	2. Chapter 2: Melody and Harmony

**Author**: Savvy  
**Title:** The Secret  
**Characters**: Hyde/ Gackt  
**Summary:** Hyde recounts his life after he meets Gackt and how he has grown as a man and a lover.  
**Warning**: AU, Forcefulness, but nothing major.

**Chapter 2: Melody and Harmony**

I stood behind him as he pushed the door to his room open and flipped on the lights. I, being the dunce I was, thought his room would be as plain as my own, but it wasn't. I had forgotten that he had been a student last year. It was a single person room. Music artist posters lined the walls along with a wide assortment of bass guitars. His bed covers lay strewn over the mattress and on the floor lay several shirts, shoes and plaid boxers. There were half burnt candles in holders and a large collection of adult magazines on his side table. The room smelled like him, sweet but masculine and as I listened, slow jazz music began to play. I turned to him and watched as he hung the guitar from his back, up beside the rest, the radio remote in his hand. He took little notice of my presence as he threw the remote aside and pulled of his black sweater, exposing his chest and his dangerously low jeans. I turned away and looked instead at the guitars. They all seemed to be autographed by some musicians I didn't know and some I recognized, but couldn't quite put my finger on.

I leaned in to read one in particular, my eyes squinting to decipher the tiny writing.

"That's my father's guitar," he said standing close behind me. I jumped and turned, bumping against his naked chest. I gripped his arms so I wouldn't fall and he, gripping my waist, pulled me closer.

"Sorry," I stammered stepping away, my face blushing as he looked down at me.

"No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have startled you."

I nodded in agreement and turned back to the guitar, my heart now pounding in my chest. "Your father plays as well?" I said breaking the awkward silence.

He nodded and moved to sit on the bed. "He played. He passed away over the summer."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. He was sick for a long time, but he's not any more. For that I'm grateful."

I nodded in understanding and moved down the line of guitars. I had read them all by now so I only read them now to give myself time to think of something clever to say. I was horrible at light conversation having been raised as a single child in a very strict house hold.

"Sorry about earlier," he chimed in. I turned and faced him.

"Don't worry about it," I said shaking my head.

He shrugged and leaned back onto his elbows. "So, have you seen any hot girls lately?"

"You mean ones that haven't been following after you?" I laughed._ God, where did that come from?_ I thought. I had no right to judge him and I didn't know him well enough to crack jokes. _Man, I was so stupid_.

He seemed to think my playful banter was funny however for he laughed. "It'll all blow over soon. Once they realize that I'm not interested." He patted the bed beside him for me to sit and I did.

"How's your roommate?" he asked sitting up and propping one leg on the bed to face me.

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "He's horrible. He smokes and he smells like an old person. And he's conceited as all hell..." I caught myself. "Sorry."

"Don't be. It's nice to see you finally letting loose."

I grimaced.

"I was lucky to get a room by myself my freshman year," he continued as if there hadn't been a weird silence. "You're free to spend the night if you want."

I looked wide-eyed at him and laughed. "That's okay. I'll be fine."

He snickered and scooted closer to me. "Defenses are back up I see."

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Nothing," he laughed.

I was silent. "I better get back to my room," I said standing. "See you tomorrow."

"Or tonight? The offer remains." He leaned onto his side and smiled at me.

"I'll keep that in mind," I smirked. And on that note I left the room and walked down the hall to my own. Once inside I leaned my back against the cold wooden door and sighed. My entire body trembled and my stomach felt tight and twisted, the butterflies banging hard against the tiny space. I felt like one of those giggly girls that followed after him like sick puppies. I could barely breathe as I moved to my bed, the loud snores of my roommate making my head pound more than it was already from the lack of oxygen. I climbed onto my bed and cracked the window open. The cold air felt nice against my face. The steady cold untwisted the binds on my stomach and released the pressure in my…jeans? _Oh god. I was hard_. I hadn't been that way for as long as I could remember and being in that half state now shocked and worried me. I wasn't accustomed with dealing with this and I was happy when the pressure slowly vanished. It wasn't a release, but rather it just went away as quickly as it had come.

Smiling at the prospect of seeing him again, I undressed and climbed into bed and fell asleep.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

One week has come and gone and each day my love for the musical arts has grown. My professors were full of life. They challenged us, made us think outside the box. Professor Mataru pulled me aside one day after class and told me that I was special; that I had a gift he had never seen before. I bowed graciously and thanked him. He offered to help me outside of class but I declined, saying that I would keep his offer in mind. He had patted me on the back and squeezed, smiling from ear to ear.

I had left his office feeling slightly violated. Maybe I was comparing his good graces to my uncle's crude ones. I had no reason to make such comparisons so I had quickly pushed the negative thoughts aside.

I now sat alone in the music library looking through pages of sheet music for inspiration. My guitar, which was always at my side these days, lay propped against a metal file cabinet. My eyes grazed over several stacks of classical music, orchestra ensembles, and romantic riffs. I simply looked at the sheet music and heard the entire song inside my head. Some had interesting chords but they didn't keep my interest long. I had come looking for inspiration for a new song I and Gackt had begun writing last night. We had toyed around for a few hours playing with chords, riffs, and tempos, and at six this morning we had finally come up with something worth pursuing. The song had a quick tempo, though it changed quite a few times during the course of the song. The feel was not classical or jazzy. It had a…what? I didn't know. I simply knew that I hadn't heard it before. Gackt had called it 'pop,' but it didn't fit some how. If it was pop it was 'new pop' because there wasn't anything else like it.

He was supposed to meet me here today to find music and he was already ten minutes late. But I wasn't bothered. That was something I found out really quickly about him. He never made it a priority to be on time. He got here when he got here. He had toyed with me when I badgered him about his being late every time we made a date. He said 'time better slow down' and had grabbed my watch and turned the hour hand back two hours. "See," he smiled. "I'm early."

Smiling to myself I grabbed my guitar and pulled at the strings, letting the vibrations sound until they faded on their own. I did this over and over with different notes and chords. I then closed my eyes and began to play the melody of the song we made last night.

It started off pianissimo and slow, a steady pulse like a child's heart beat at rest. The notes were drawn out, andante; the notes were whole for four measures, then halved for two, quartered for one, and then broken into repetitious sixteenths as the tempo quickened. The volume crescendos until it found fortissimo, and the chords were low as if in a growl. They were the feet of a restless child on the move, staccato. I rocked my head up and down; my feet tapping in pace with the vibrant vibrations of the stringed instrument. My fingers darted up and down on the neck of the guitar barely touching the frets as they moved fluidly with self-taught skill.

Then the harmony came in with full force. It strummed low in the background, adding its own child-like steps to the unwavering play. I continued to play as I opened my eyes and looked up into Gackt's gray ones. He grinned and played on and I continued as well. I closed my eyes as the tempo switched, gradually becoming andante again, and the volume barely more than a whisper to the stagnant air around us. I felt Gackt step closer and I opened my eyes and looked at him as he descended in front of me, dropping onto his knees, his eyes holding my own. I bit my bottom lip and played on as he drew even closer to me, spreading my closed legs and sliding between, his fingering on his guitar harmonious to my soft melody.

I watched as his eyes traveled from mine to my nose then to my lips, until I could only see a tiny glimmer of the gray underneath. I don't know when he stopped playing but the only sound in the room was my melody, its tempo slower than the song asked. My heart pounded in my chest as he leaned forward, his hands gripping my hips and pulling me closer. I could feel my eyes close as he bent nearer, bringing his lips within inches of mine. I braced myself for the kiss, my hands playing one ominous and thoughtless chord in slow repetition. I sighed as his lips met mine and my fingers faltered on the strings at last, the only sound now being my soft moans as our lips caressed.

"Gackt?" I moaned into the kiss, my right hand placed firmly against his chest to push him away.

He didn't answer right away but looked into my eyes as he pulled away. His eyes wavered for a second as if hurt, but grew cold as I watched. "Did you find anything?" he asked standing and turning around to face a file cabinet. I shook my head though I knew he couldn't see me. I raised my fingers to my lips and felt the warmth where his lips had been seconds before. My first kiss! I thought. I shook my head in shocked confusion and looked toward the ground. When I didn't answer he turned to face me. "I have a class in a few minutes. I'll see you later."

I peered at him as he walked toward the door.

"Gackt?" I called to him.

He didn't answer.

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"Is my mother home?" I said into the pay phone. The maid Tsuzumi told me to hold and I did. I turned and leaned against the glass wall and watched all the students changing classes. There were different cliques all around. One group consisted of art enthusiast. They all sported very outrageous clothing that looked as if they'd been personally painted. Some of them were very original. Another groups consisted of guys and girls wearing black attire, chains and dog collars. Scary. I averted my eyes from the group as my mother answered on the other end.

"Hello. Is this Haido?" she asked happily.

"Happy birthday, mother!" I said smiling. "Did you get my gift?"

"Yes, it was beautiful. I called one of the young boys from the private school to play it for me. You're very gifted my son."

I swelled with pride at her words and leaned my head against the glass and waited for her inevitable questioning.

"Have you found a young lady yet?" she asked, her voice serious now.

I laughed. "Not yet mother."

"You're been there a whole week my son. Is there not someone who has captured your interest?

_Yes, Gackt Camui, but I wasn't sure about that anymore_. "No mother. I'm looking though."

She sighed hopelessly on the other end of the line. "There's a nice young lady here. Her name is Nagomi. She's very lovely. When you come home on break you can meet her."

I shook my head. "Yes mother. That will be nice."

"Have you made any friends?"

"I have now that you've mentioned it. His name is Gackt Camui. He loves music as much as I do," I smiled.

"Well that's nice. I'm happy you've made friends. You were always a very quiet child. I always wondered why."

_If you only knew_. I thought, my dead uncle flashing in my minds eye.

"I'm breaking out of my shell now. You'll be surprised by how much I've changed."

"Your father says he loves you," she said, though I could hear the lie in her voice.

I paused. "I have to go now mother. I'll call again as soon as I can."

"I love you, Haido."

"I love you too mother."

Then she was gone. I replaced the black earpiece on the phone and walked to my dorm. Things were pretty quiet the rest of the day. I caught up on assignments and when I grew hungry walked to the dining hall for dinner. The food wasn't really good. I never liked Guyon and that was what they mainly served. I left my food half eaten on the table and returned to my room and prepared for a bath. It was then that I noticed a small gathering at my room door. I nodded to all the people and entered the room. My roommate stood in front of the full length mirror in vibrant red slants and an orange shirt. I could barely hear over his loud attire. I smirked as I crossed to my dresser and pulled out pajamas, underwear, a towel, loofa and soap.

"You going to a party?" I asked as he sprayed on that disgusting old-spice cologne.

He smirked at me. "Something like that."

"Leave the door unlocked when you leave. I'm going to take a shower."

He laughed. "I'll be sure to do that."

I was worried about the tone of his answer but I didn't think much about it as I left. The crowd outside our door seemed to have doubled. Everyone looked at me as I passed. I smiled kindly and walked to the co-ed bath. After a hot, muscle relaxing shower, I dressed and it was then that I heard the music. It was blaring from down the hallway in the direction of my room. Grabbing my things from the floor I opened the bathroom door and peered outside. What I saw made me speechless.

There were people everywhere and they all seemed to be centered round _my _room. Pop music blasted from inside as I drew near the room. The amount of people in the hall was nothing compared the number of people inside the tiny room. They all danced, drank alcohol and jumped on the beds. _My bed_. One had my guitar!

"Excuse me," I said pushing into the room. I crossed over to the villain and grabbed the guitar out of a boy's grasp. He cursed at my back but I didn't care. They could destroy the entire room, but they wouldn't break my guitar. My mother had given me this guitar.

I pushed back out the room and stepped back into hall. Slinging my guitar over my shoulder I descended downstairs and sat in the student lounge. I wasn't one for big arguments so I kept my anger to myself. If I was patient the party would end sooner of later. I waited.

Four hours later and it was two o'clock in the morning and the party was still going strong. I had played every song I knew and my fingers were now sore and aching. I was tired and I really wanted to go to sleep, but from the yelling and talking going on upstairs I wouldn't be do that anytime soon.

Where could I go?

I could make a place on the floor and sleep, but lying on the thin carpeted floor didn't look very inviting. The sofas were just as hard. I leaned my head back and looked up to the third floor where the party persisted. I wonder if Gackt was awake.

Taking the stairs two at a time I now stood in front of his door. I raised my hand to knock but stopped myself. What if he didn't want to see me? He hadn't seemed very welcoming when he left the music library and I hadn't seen him since that kiss. He was angry at me I knew. I'd give him his space if he wanted it.

"Crap," I hissed louder than I intended. I glared at the party going full force in my room and hearing something crash onto the floor from inside only increased my anger. "That better not be mine," I snapped, leaning against the wall next to Gackt's room.

Then the door opened and there Gackt was, dressed in nothing but boxers and white socks. He peered down at me, his face expressionless. He looked at the party going on behind me and shaking his head gestured for me to enter, which I did, though rather hesitantly.

The door closed behind us, shutting the light out and throwing us in complete darkness. I placed my guitar on the floor by the door and stumbled back onto the bed. I sat and listened to his movement around the bed. I couldn't see him but when I felt his added weight to the bed; I knew he sat behind me.

My body goosed as he gripped my shoulder and pulled me back to lie on the bed. I tucked my legs under the sheets that were still warm where his body had lay moments before.

It was weird lying in his bed, unable to see if he looked at me and only sensing his presence by his warm breath on my face and his firm grip on my waist. I lay supine, my head turned to the side where I thought his face might be.

"Thank you," I whispered. He groaned and scooted closer, drawing me to his side. I rolled to his chest and as my eyes focused in the dark, I could see a faint outline of his masculine jaw line. I closed my eyes as he breath brushed against my face. His hands clutched the fabric of my wool pants and he pulled them down.

"Gackt?" I hissed gripping his hand in my own. He lifted up from the bed and bent to quiet me with his lips, his hands continued their pull until my pants were down to my knees. His other hand pressed down the pillow next to my head as he shifted his weight and pulled my pants completely off.

I moaned as he forced my lips open with his tongue. It was all new to me. The way the pulse was light at first then slowly more forced as my body eased and gave into the kiss. His weight pressed against my chest, holding me down onto the bed as he slipped his hands under my shirt and caressed my nipple. I broke the kiss, my head falling back and pressing into the pillow as I gasped. I heard him laugh before he took my mouth again and this time I opened for him, letting his tongue enter my mouth and massage mine.

He climbed over me, spreading my legs on either side of his hips. He toyed with me. He would kiss me then pull away, kiss then pull away. He laughed as I growled and took my lips again. When I felt him pulling away again I sat up with him, squeezing my thighs against his side and wrapping my arms around his shoulders and deepening the kiss.

"Lift your arms," he whispered as I suckled his bottom lip. I did as I was told and he pulled my shirt over my head. Once off he pushed me onto my back and bent to suckle my neck.

"You learn quickly," he whispered into my ears as he kissed my cheeks and chin.

I smiled as he licked the skin above my Adam's apple. "I have a good teacher," I said innocently. _I didn't know what in the world I was doing!_

He snickered and sucked my neck once again. It burned where he kissed and it felt good when he licked the bruises with the tip of his tongue. I turned my head to the side and let him feast. It felt so good and I didn't want him to stop. But he did, but it wasn't for long. He moved down further and licked my tight nipple. "Ah, fuck," I groaned deep in my throat as he traced the skin with his tongue before sucking.

He threw back his head and laughed the loudest laugh I've ever heard come from his lean frame. I glared up at him. "What?" I asked.

"You sound so cute when you curse?" he grinned, his eyes bright even in the darkness. I couldn't help but laugh too.

"Sorry."

He kissed my lips. "Don't be. I like when you curse. You sound like a man."

I grinned and propped up to recapture his lips.

I knew my parents wouldn't be pleased with my actions if they could see me now. It was bad enough that I lay half naked in a bed with someone I wasn't dating, or better yet, married to, but his being a guy would be even more of a surprise and a disappointment. Both my parents despised those that were gay. Even my loving mother voiced her opinion about the matter when I brought the topic up when I was younger. I hadn't known then what I know now about homosexuality, but I _had _known that I wasn't attracted to the opposite sex. I had voiced my question to my mother while she worked in the kitchen. What was gay? I had asked.

She had spun around on the spot and peered down angrily at me. "What did you just ask?" she asked, her face serious for the first time that I could remember.

"What does it mean to be gay?" I asked again, my seven year old eyes looking up at her.

She dropped down onto her knees and grabbed my arms. "Gay is a nasty word and those that are gay are nasty people. They are sinners. You know what a sin is, don't you?"

I had nodded.

"Those who are gay burn in hell. You don't want to burn in hell do you?"

I had shaken my head.

"You're not to ask about this again and please, for the love of God; do not ask your father." She knew how to strike fear into me and since that day I hadn't voiced that question again. It wasn't until I reached high school and saw my male friends date girls that I realized I was different. I think my father knew. I could tell by the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I hadn't had the nerve to ask; my mother's words still fresh in my mind after all those years.

I gripped Gackt's arms and stopped him as he went to pull my boxers downs. "I can't. Not yet."

I searched his face for any sign of anger and noticed the tight lines around his lips. He was definitely angry. And he had reason to be. His erection lay hard against my boxers and the way his chest heaved up and down as he breathed showed obvious signs of discomfort. "I'm not ready," I reasoned as he rolled from me and lay at my side.

I heard him huff irritably and I winced and sat up. "I think I should leave." I searched blindly between the covers for my shirt and pants and had pulled on my shirt when he stopped me, grabbing my arm before moving closer to my back.

"Stay," he whispered in my ear as he kissed the back of my neck below my hair line.

I dropped my head to my chest and grimaced. "I can't give you what you want."

"I know… Just stay." He pulled my shirt back off and pulled me back under the covers. Wrapping his arms around my waist he pulled me to rest my head on his chest. His heart beat slower in his chest and his breathing was steady. I squeezed my eyes closed to prevent the tears that were quickly forming from falling from my eyes. I was not mature enough for this. Sure I could fantasize about all the things I wanted to do. I had on several occasions. It was actually doing the acts that scared me. The anxiety was overwhelming. Even lying like this, over another human being was worrying by itself. I really wanted to leave, to run into some dark corner of nonexistence and wallow in my on self-pity, but as Gackt rubbed my back, his smooth hands easing me into sleep, I couldn't make myself move. If this was what it took to break myself out of the invisible shell I had placed around me so long ago, I would have to brush away all apprehension and sit back for the ride. No matter how daunting that thought seemed.

"Night," I said into the darkness.

"Night," his tenor voice answered.

Lying in his arms I fell asleep.

* * *

**Author Note**: Reviews are always welcome. They show me if I'm going in the right direction or not. I read them all so please review. Thanks. 


	3. Chapter 3: Change

**Chapter 3: Change**

When I woke the next morning Gackt was gone. A note by my head was the only sign to explain his disappearance. It read. _Hyde, I've gone to class. Feel free to stay as long as you like. Gackt. _

I reread the note twice before climbing out of the bed and pulling on my pajamas. I made the bed hastily and left the room. It was still quite early so I moved quietly to my room, my slippers muffling my hurried steps. The bedroom door stood open when I reached the room. Trash was everywhere and my roommate was nowhere to be seen. I kicked through the beer cans and cigarette buds to reach my bed which was messy, the covers hanging loosely to the floor. I pulled back the covers and there found the crust of something white sticking to the sheets. _Urghh, was that sperm_? Someone had had sex in my bed. I turned up my nose and threw the covers back over the beer stained mattress. I crossed to the closet and pulled out what was left of my clothes. There were only a few pairs of jeans and two shirts left, the rest were gone, stolen in the raucous of last night. I felt the urge to cry, but forced myself to push the feeling aside. Crying wouldn't get my stuff back or make my current situation any better. I'd have to ask for another roommate after class. That was the only solution.

Clothing in hand I walked to the bathroom and bathed in one of the many high stalled showers. The hot water felt good against my cold skin. I bent my head for a moment, letting the water flow from my head to my back and chest, down my legs and feet into the drain beneath. I sighed resoundingly and began to wash the smell of Gackt's cologne from my body. When I finished his scent still lingered, though it wasn't as strong as before. I switched off the water, wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped through the shower curtain into the fluorescent lighted bathroom.

A girl stood in front of the mirrors wearing tight jeans and a white polo tee. She applied her makeup and I could see from the corner of her eye hers following my walk from the shower to the changing area. She smiled when she saw me looking and proceeded to put on her lip gloss. I stepped behind the changing shade and dressed. It was a bit uncomfortable seeing as she only stood a short distance away, but I couldn't be coy. I had a class in less than an hour.

When I emerged from behind the shade she was still there sitting atop the sink, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Hello," she said looking at my profile as I stopped in front of a sink beside her.

"Hello," I smiled back as I pulled a paper towel from it dispenser and placed it under then water running freely into the sink. I looked at myself in the mirror and leaned my head to the side to dab my burning skin with the wet cloth.

"Wild night I see," the girl smirked.

"It's not what it looks like," I lied.

She shrugged and jumped down from the sink top and moved closer to my side. "I'm Ai Nasaki," she smiled.

I had heard that name before. Oh, yes. On the stairwell. She had been one of the four girls giggling about Gackt and who had looked at me like I was an insect when I had fallen on the stairs. "I'm Hyde Takarai," I said smiling at her now. I wondered what she wanted.

I watched her in the mirror as she moved a little closer, her eyes on my neck. "You're Gackt's friend, right?" she asked, looking at my face in the mirror.

I nodded and lowered the towel from my neck. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason. I've seen you together a lot. Is he your best friend or something?"

I shrugged. "We're friends. I don't know if we're that close. Why?"

I turned to face her now. She clasped her hands together. "Does he have a girlfriend?" Her eyes lit up and she bounced on the tips of her toes. I sighed. I figured it was something trivial as this. I shook my head.

"I don't know. You'll have to ask him."

I could tell my answer hadn't been the one she'd hoped for but she looked satisfied nonetheless. She leaned against the sink in thought again and I took the opportunity to make my leave. I gathered my things and left the room and instead of going back to my room I went to Gackt's. He hadn't gotten back yet so I placed my pajamas and bath things on the floor by my guitar and stepping back out, closed the door. I hoped he wouldn't mind. The thought of putting my stuff in my room in its current state disgusted me.

Going to my room one final time to get my school things I ran downstairs and across the grounds to class. I was already running a few minutes late.

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After a long day of classes and moving my stuff from my third floor room to the fourth, I now sat in a chair in Gackt's room strumming hopelessly on my guitar.

"You're playing that all wrong," Gackt moaned nudging my hand from the neck of the guitar and showing me what I was doing wrong by using his own guitar. I watched silently as he played the riff and I tried again to imitate his movement with my own guitar.

"Nope, you're still not getting it," he huffed, grabbing his hair in his hands and shaking his head. "Urghh, Haido," he growled. "Try again."

"I've been trying," I said getting frustrating and dropping my arms down to my side. "For the last hour I've been trying. I can't get it. It's too hard."

"It's not hard," he hissed getting frustrated as well at my stubbornness nonetheless. "You're pressing too hard on the string and the chord is all wrong. Look at how I'm playing."

"I am looking…"

"_Really_ look Haido," he snapped cutting me off. I sighed and scooted down to the floor at his knees.

I cocked my head to the side and watched his fingers move, watched how he caressed the strings with skill I had yet to learn. It reminded me of someone running their fingers over still water; they touched the surface but created no waves. "See," he whispered. I nodded. The sound the instrument made was nothing I had every heard and definitely something I would never be able to create.

"Now you try," he said nudging me in the shoulder with his knee. I sneered at him and retook my seat on the chair before him. I was nervous. I always was when I played for him. It was like being under constant scrutiny. He was tough and never settled for anything but the best and so far my playing had been anything but.

I closed my eyes and took the guitar in my hands. I envisioned what he had just played and how it had sounded to my ears. I could hear it, but I was nervous that I would not be able to play it. I shifted uncomfortably and played the first few notes .They were the easy part, fast and practical guitar basics. Then came the riff and I froze, my fingers dangling over the strings.

"Relax," he said. "You're too tense." I squinted at him then closed my eyes again. How was I supposed to 'relax' with him watching my every move? It was freaking impossible. I felt him walk around me and stand at my back. His hands rubbed my shoulders as I played. They squeezed, caressed and assuaged the pressure away and slowly my fingers lightened their grip on the instrument, caressing them just as gently as he rubbed me.

Then I heard it, the angelic whisper of the notes I heard him play moments before. I thought it was Gackt playing it again, but no, his hands moved on my shoulders and arms relaxing my tension. It was I who played the notes now. I was actually doing it. I strummed the last note and paused, my eyes closed in happiness.

I felt Gackt kiss the top of my head and I looked up and smiled. He smiled back at me before bending to kiss my lips, his fingers cupping my chin. I groaned hungrily as his tongue spread my lips and feasted. He was really a good kisser! I thought he would break the kiss and congratulate me, but no, he deepened it, forcing my head back with his hands.

It was weird kissing this way, upside down. Instead of suckling his bottom lip, I sucked the top, my tongue trailing the inner edge. I smiled into the kiss as the front legs of the chair I sat in rose from the ground. My feet dangled inches over the floor. I turned my head to the right and gripped his head in my left hand. His hot lips moved expertly as I opened my mouth wider to allow him more entry, which he took readily. The kiss was wet, hurried and titillating, so when there was a knock on the door and we broke apart in alarm, my chair falling back onto the floor, we were both out of breath and panting for air.

"Who is it?" Gackt asked looking at the door. I wiped my lips and turned in the chair.

"It's me, Ai Nasaki," the girl on the other side of the door yelled. Gackt looked at me curiously and I shrugged, biting my bottom lip.

Gackt smoothed his flying hair down and opened the door. Ai, the girl from the bathroom, stepped over the threshold and smiled up at him. She had changed her clothes. Her jeans were now replaced with a pink skirt and her white shirt was now a pink sleeveless tank top. Her hair hung loosely over her shoulders and white hoop earrings dangled from her earlobes. She looked ready for a night out.

"You ready?" she asked looking at Gackt.

For a moment I thought he didn't know what she was talking about, but then he yelled "Oh," and shook his head. "Not yet. Could you give me a minute?"

She nodded and looked at me. "Hello Hyde," she smiled and a curious quirk or her eyebrow signaled that she knew she'd interrupted something and thought it amusing. I waved and she left the room closing the door after her.

"You have a date?" I asked looking at his back as he made for the closet.

"Not exactly. It's just a party. You want to come?"

I shook my head. I wasn't big on parties, not after the one that destroyed my room the other night. I watched as he slid open the closet door and rummaged through his clothes. One of the hangers he pushed aside had my clothing on it. I had brought them down so I wouldn't have to make a trip to my room upstairs in the morning.

He took off his white shirt and pulled on a red one. He dropped his sweat pants and pulled on a pair of denim jeans. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" he asked as he sat on the foot of the bed and searched around for his shoes. I grabbed them from the floor and gave them to him.

"I'm sure," I sighed. I didn't want him to leave. I stood and took a seat to his left and rubbed his back. "Gaku," I whined, calling him by his childhood nickname. "Don't go."

He peered at me and sighed. "I won't be long. I promise," he said kissing my forehead.

I watched sadly as he pulled on his leather jacket and made for the door. "I'll be back." he smiled, opening the door and stepping out. I saw Ai waiting for him on the top steps before the door closed with a snap.

I flopped onto my back and sighed heavily. Why was I surprised? I knew Gackt loved to party and whenever he wasn't in class or with me, he was looking for the next hottest party to attend. I had only been at this school a week and I already knew his routine. He would wake up, go to class, eat, practice guitar, eat and then go out to party. I fit somewhere in the middle of all that. I wasn't angry that he wanted to go out rather than spend time with me. He had asked me to come along hadn't he? I just wished he could find pleasure in staying inside at night instead of roaming the streets with girls like Ai. I couldn't change a tiger's strips though, so I settled for waiting until he got back.

I lay in his bed between the cold sheets and listened to the wind blowing outside the open window. Its whisper wasn't soothing tonight so it blew as background noise to my pounding heart. I couldn't sleep because each time I closed my eyes I pictured him stumbling up the stairs drunk or hurt somewhere because he had gotten into a fight with someone and hadn't come out on top. What was he doing now? I thought. My mind formulated the most horrific images, but I hastily brushed them aside. He was fine. He would come in late, undress and climb into the bed beside me and I'd wake up in the morning hating myself for worrying the night before.

I didn't know why I cared so much about him. God, I'd only known him a week and I was already worrying about the guy. He wasn't my responsibility and I wasn't even sure if he was my boyfriend. We only fooled around. When I made an attempt to talk about our relationship he would grab his guitar and start playing, blocking me out and some how making me forget my anger by willing me to play with him, which I did readily, music being my weakness.

There were so many neon signs where Gackt was concerned. The only thing we had in common were our love for music and crunchy cheetos. He liked to go out. I liked to stay in. He liked to date multiple people and I couldn't juggle one. He was the ying to my yang. We came together in our music, but there was always that little part of ourselves that the other would never understand. He had called me reserved that day in the cab and I was compared to him.

He was everything I hoped to be some day. I wasn't loquacious and I stayed to myself. It had to be because I had grown up quite alone in a less than loving home. Being the only child, I had to entertain myself and now in adulthood I couldn't bring myself out of my shell. Maybe Gackt would do that for me. He had already if I was truthful with myself. I would never have slept naked with another person until I met him. The sexual exploration was change enough, but that wasn't the only thing that had changed about me in such a short time. My music was changing. My range of style was widening each day and I even listened to one of his rock cds one night while he was taking a shower. I couldn't get enough of the stuff now. He had laughed when he came across me banging my head up and down to the music. Instead of making fun he joined me. That night, listening to countless pop and rock cds until we both passed out in exhaustion had been a night I would never forget.

I was tired now and reliving the past only slowed down time. I glanced at the clock and saw that only an hour had passed since he left. Groaning, I undressed and closed my eyes. Pulling his cologne scented sheets over my shoulder I went asleep.

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My sleep went undisturbed for three hours until I was pulled out of my stupor by Gackt climbing under the sheets. He massaged open mouth kisses up my arms to my shoulder, the peachy fuzz of his early morning facial hair brushing my warm skin. I rolled onto my back and reached for him, pulling him into my arms and kissing him hungrily on the lips. I tasted alcohol on his tongue, but it didn't stop me from deepening the kiss. He moaned deep in his throat as he pulled down my pants and surprisingly my boxers as well and parting my thighs, climbed between, wrapping my legs around his waist. It was then that I realized he was naked below the waist. His arousal pressed against my stomach sending chills from the point where it made contact downward to my penis that was quickly filling with blood as he hunched against my bottom. I tried to speak but he recaptured my lips, violating my mouth with his prying tongue.

I gripped his arms and pushed him back. I knew where this was heading and I wasn't ready. I wanted him, but not under these circumstances. He was drunk. I couldn't let my first time happen like this.

"Gackt, stop," I said turning my head to the side as he tried to kiss me again. I squeezed his arms and shook him once. "Stop," I hissed. What he did next frightened me.

He pushed my arms to the side and grabbing both my wrist in his hand, raised them above my head making my back arch from the bed. "Stop fighting me," he snapped as he recaptured my lips. I whimpered as his free hands gripped my neck and squeezed just enough to make me gasp for breath when he released. Oh God! I trembled under his hold and closed my eyes and he suckled my neck. "Please stop," I murmured helplessly. I was genuinely scared when he didn't stop his attack, but instead reached underneath the covers and gripped me in his hands and stroked.

His name escaped my lips on a breathless moan and my final attempt to push him away faded into the darkness. I squeezed my eyes close, pressing my head back into the pillow and groaned as he captured my lips yet again. My body reacted and I couldn't stop it. No matter how much I resisted, as he touched down there, a place where no one had touched before, I couldn't push him away even if I tried. My body yearned yes, but my fear screamed no. _This couldn't be happening to me_. But it was. His smooth fingers felt so good against me that I shuddered at his touch. I think he thought I'd finally given into his play for he released my arms and gripped my shirt to pull it over my head.

"No," I said stopping him. "Gackt, you're drunk. Stop!"

"I know what I'm doing," he said, his voice steady and unshaken. He didn't sound drunk when he spoke and I began to doubt myself. I sat up and gripped his chin in my hands.

"I said no," I hissed as coldly as I could, peering into his eyes that wavered for a minute under my gaze. His eyes faltered and he looked away.

"Don't you like me Haido?" he asked. His voice was weak like a child's voice after being reprimanded by an authoritative adult. He lay at my side and stared at the ceiling and then around at me.

"Yes, I like you. But you're drunk Gaku. You don't know what you're doing." I caressed his cheek and bent to kiss him on the forehead. "Go to sleep now. We'll talk about this in the morning," I whispered cuddling closer to his side.

I was thankful when he didn't question me and did as I wanted. I didn't give into my tiredness until his breathing calmed and I was sure that he was asleep.

We didn't talk about that night the next morning. Not because I didn't want to, but because he seemed not to remember anything at all about it. I didn't want to sadden him by telling him how scared I'd been the night before so I kept my thoughts to myself. However, I did tell him I didn't like when he drank and though he didn't remember what happened, my tone seemed to have had a deeper impact than I realized. He shook his head. "I won't drink anymore," he said matter-of-factly. I knew I could trust him so I didn't press him anymore.

The next few months passed unimportantly. With the same routine every day my life seemed to be going in circles or rather a straight line with no sign of an end.

---

_3 weeks later. _

"Yes mother. I know you're eager to see me," I said smiling into the phone as I leaned my head on the side of the payphone box.

"You've been gone so long my son. I can't bear to be away from you a second later." I sighed into the phone and laughed.

"The train ride will only take a few hours mother. Before you know it I'll be on your doorstep and then you won't be able to get rid of me," I joked.

I heard her snicker on the other end of the phone and my heart eased. It was rather stressful on me to know that my mother worried about me so much.

"And who is this friend you're bringing with you?" she asked her tone more serious now than before. I turned at the sound of a tap on the glass and grimaced at Gackt who made goofy faces at me through the glass. I waved at him to go away and pouted when he face looked crestfallen.

"It's the guy I told you about. Gackt Camui."

"No girl?"

"Mother?"

"Oh, all right. Tell your friend that I can't wait to meet him," she said. On the other end of the line I could hear my father's voice. I couldn't tell what he said but when my mother came back to the line her voice rang with a little less mirth.

"Haido," she said sadly. "I miss you so much."

A large lump seemed to have formed in my throat at the sound of her voice so weak, fragile even. "I'm on my way now Mother."

When I got off the line my hand lingered on the earpiece for a second longer than necessary. What was going on? Was my father turning his hatred for me on my mother? I had to get home and find out.

I stepped out of the box and Gackt instantly swept down on me. "Ready?" he said grabbing our bags from the ground and smiling happily. I nodded. I don't know if he noticed a change in my demeanor but when we climbed onto the train fifteen minutes later the train couldn't have moved fast enough.


End file.
